My journey

My name is Kristi. I was born in 1985 in a rural area of Estonia - a small country in north-eastern Europe. I have had spiritual visions and experiences more or less my whole life. But things reached a whole different level in the summer of 2011 when I was 26 years old. For 21 days all mental and emotional activity within my psyche stopped. I experienced it with paralyzing fear, because everything I had known as myself had abruptly ended and only an unknown empty space was left within me.

During the most difficult time in the summer of 2011.

This process of ego collapse started already a year earlier just after I had received my masters degree. Now and then waves of fear, emptiness and axiety washed over me without any outer trigger. If until the summer of 2011 I had believed that spirituality is all about positive feelings and realizing my full potential, then from that experience forward this all changed. First it took me about 2 years to accept that my mentally constructed self-image didn’t exist anymore and at the same time I needed to get used to the fact that no mental image whatsoever was to be believed in ever again. During this period I also visited a psychiatrist regularly just to make sure I would get appropriate medical help when things would take a wrong turn. After letting go of my mental self-image, the work with old emotions started. It took me at least 5 years more to fully accept that now my life was about working through old negative emotions, and not cultivating many new positive ones. Facing all this unconscious material has been very challenging, but deep down I have managed to trust the process. In between all the challenging changes in my psyche, I have had innumerable experiences of expanded awareness, deep connectedness and ecstasy. All these experiences, both positive and negative ones, have been beautifully reflected in my dreams that have helped me to accept and understand everything that's been happening. 

My off-grid permacultural garden in Southern Estonia.

Besides the spiritual experiences and processes happening on a daily basis, I have still managed to keep my life more or less together on the outer side. I have built myself an off-grid home in a beautiful location in Southern Estonia. In terms of work I have managed to find flexible work positions to have enough time to go through my inner processes. It has been very challenging at times, but I must say that I believe it’s best to keep both inner and outer sides of your life going at the same time as much as possible. There are many reasons why.

Firstly inner processes can be totally overwhelming - there are extreme episodes of anxiety, depression, even milder forms of psychosis. Without solid outer life it’s too easy to drown completely into your inner madness. Sometimes you need outer motivation to pull yourself together and come out of your inner world. At the same time I have noticed that outer life stimulates inner processes and physical activity also activates inner energies. In my case I decided to use my work as part of my spiritual process. I have worked with difficult youngsters for over 10 years now. Keeping yourself open and vulnerable when dealing with difficult people is the most effective spiritual practice you can ever find. Building up my household in a peaceful natural setting has been great for grounding and getting back in touch with the basic elements and the simplicity of life.    

Me in the winter of 2026.

At this time, at the beginning of the year 2026, after roughly 15 years of heartbreaking inner work, I feel that I’m ready to come out into the world in a different way. I don’t think I know all about spiritual process, but it feels right to start sharing some tips and tricks I have learned along the way through my own experiences and also some great spiritual teachers like Carl Gustav Jung, Osho and Eckhart Tolle. I was probably around 21 years old when in some sort of spiritual meeting I first saw a 5 minute video of Eckhart Tolle. I was simply hypnotized. I didn’t know anything about him or his teachings, but then and there I knew that I wanted what he had. Never in my life had I felt such a strong pull. During my darkest times some years later it was Osho’s radical, amusing and controversial teachings that kept me going deeper and deeper into my own psyche and helped me to accept my inner madness. Just a few years ago I discovered the teachings of Carl Gustav Jung. His explanations of the structure of the human psyche are the best I have come across. Still going through my unconscious material it obviously was his concept of The Shadow and the ways to work with it that I found most useful.       

In conclusion I want to say that I’m in no way a radical person. But looking at my own life and experiences, although it doesn’t look so extremely different from the outside, it is a totally different way of living compared to conventional lifestyles. To really walk courageously on your inner path, you need to make a decision with both your mind and heart and keep with it no matter what. Step by step it will give you more and more freedom and it will bring you contentment and joy.     

With love and respect

Kristi