Importance of a decision

Spiritual teachings tend to emphasize getting rid of your ego. But the truth is that the Ego will subside and find it's right role by itself when the time is right. In our practical daily lives we do need the Ego and we also need it on our spiritual path. 

I started to have unprovoked episodes of expanded consciousness when I was around 18 years old. As a child I probably had it a lot more, but there was no adult awareness to register it as such. During my first years in university it was simply amusing for me how I sometimes, usually in public places like buses or airports, suddenly felt out of my body and as if I was hovering above the whole visible scenery. I felt good and light, but nothing too crazy. 

As time went by, I concentrated more and more on my studies and endless relationship dramas. These experiences of expanded consciousness didn’t occur so often any more. Until on a totally random day. Although it was about 20 years ago, I still remember the moment and the thoughts accompanying the moment so clearly. As I was stepping out of my bedroom into the living room, something deep within my psyche moved. I was forced to stop exactly on the doorway as my whole attention was spontaneously turned inward into the depth that had opened within me. Moments later completely strange thoughts appeared in my mind. I remember thinking that this life that I’m living can’t be all there is. I realized how lonely I actually felt. I felt missing some mysterious connection that I couldn’t really describe. This encounter with the Unknown kicked first cracks into my otherwise solid and satisfied Ego.

That momentary experience in that doorway changed the course of my life. Each day I felt less interested in outer goals and more inclined to get to know my inner world. But I didn’t abandon my outer life completely. I just pulled some of my attention and energy out of it. As things escalated and I started to have more and more mysterious experiences (such as glimpses of previous lives) and encounters with my repressed aspects, one day I made a decision. A decision that there should be no dark corners within me, that I’m not aware of. It felt just humiliating to realize that there’s so much I don’t know about myself. It’s like you would be living in a house in which there are rooms you have never visited and these rooms are full of all sorts of garbage, but also treasures. This decision was clearly the most important decision I have ever made. It was the moment my Ego became a servant to my inner being.